1) Take a seat. Pick a comfortable seat, preferably one with memory foam and good lumbar support. A good chair is vital – remember, it is impossible to achieve complete relaxation on a chair that retails for less than £150 in IKEA.
2) Have a cup of tea to hand. The tea must be caffeine-free, otherwise your stress levels will grow. This can be disastrous when combined with a bad chair (see point 1).
3) Try and block out the irritating background noises which you don’t normally notice (next door’s television, the fridge, the boiler, a train, your own tinnitus, a coughing/showering family member/pet). This takes an effort, but is vital if you want to prevent complete mental breakdown.
4) Take a sip of tea, being careful not to scald your lips (if you do, go back to point 1).
5) Listen to your breathing. If you can’t hear it, try this again after walking up a flight of stairs.
6) Visualise rural images: poplar trees, hyacinths, fawns, garden lilies, fields, a charming piggery, Centreparcs.
7) Then visualise happy images: finding a wallet full of high-denomination banknotes, a repayment holiday from your crippling mortgage, a new set of UPVC French doors.
8 ) Try and block out all negative thoughts otherwise gnawing at your vitals. Don’t, for instance, think of work, your dismal credit rating, unfaithful spouse, work, Adrian Chiles, Christine Bleakley, or work.
9) Meditate for a while. If you don’t know how to do this, buy a book on it. There are plenty out there so there are no excuses.
10) Try not to fall asleep. If you do, disregard what I said about using a comfortable chair because this has backfired in your case. Ditto the caffeine-free tea.
11) Relax. Enjoy the moment. Finish your tea if you haven’t done so already. Wash up your mug, or delegate this task to a loved one. If an argument ensues, repeat points 1-10.
