Lammo welcomes Nick Clegg, Simon Cowell and Angel Deradoorian from Dirty Projectors into the studio
LAMACQ: So that was Hard-Fi and “Good for Nothing”. We’ll start with Nick. What did you make of that latest effort from the Staines outfit?
CLEGG: Look, I didn’t come here today to talk about music. There are far more pressing things on the agenda – the NHS bill, House of Lords reform, golf, Doctor Who. These are all hot potatoes. Unfortunately, no other show would accept me, which is a sad indictment on –
LAMACQ: You weren’t our first choice, actually.
COWELL: Yeah, I didn’t vote for you.
CLEGG (sighing): Let’s just stick to the music then.
COWELL: Look who’s changed their tune – again.
CLEGG: With respect, what do you know about tunes, Cowell?
COWELL: Quite a lot actually, Nick Clegg.
LAMACQ: Order, order! Please – if I could refer you back to the topic in hand. Hard-Fi.
ANGEL: I found the song pretty depressing. To be honest, it was shit. Can I say that?
LAMACQ: No, I’m afraid you –
COWELL: What the fuck?! I must take issue with that. I think the song was a delight.
ANGEL: Disagree. This was by-numbers landfill indie all the way. The vocals were phoned-in, the guitars anaemic, and the lyrics were pretty good, if you like really, really, really bad lyrics.
COWELL: Actually, I was transported at the way in which the guitars and basslines danced contrapuntally round one another. It really was bish-bang-wallop pop-punk and garage-rock at its best. The song dragged me bodily through the emotional blender and out the other side, blinking with a renewed clarity.
LAMACQ: You know, you’re wasted on Britain’s Got Talent. Ever thought of penning music reviews for the NME? I can put in a word for you, if you’re interested.
COWELL: Sure, I’d love to.
LAMACQ: I was joking. Were you joking?
COWELL: Yes.
CLEGG: I’d do it. And I’m not joking.
LAMACQ: Let’s go back to Hard-Fi. How do you think it compares to the material on their first album, Stars of CCTV?
CLEGG: CCTV? Are these guys felons? If they are, I refuse to endorse them. By the way, we’re conducting a pilot study on the effects of CCTV cameras on allotment garden vandalism rates. Another Lib Dem initiative that’s been overlooked.
LAMACQ: If I may make so bold as to ask your opinion on the song?
CLEGG: My opinion? To be honest, I wasn’t impressed. It seems as if Hard-Fi have had some kind of musical bypass, such is the complete lack of melody. They make Coldplay sound like Captain Beefheart. Hard-Fi are none-hit wonders, and if there was any justice the song – and their career – would die without a trace. Is that okay for an opinion?
LAMACQ: That’s pretty good. Why didn’t you just say that to start with?
CLEGG: When you’re in a coalition, there have to be compromises. You can’t always say what you want to.
COWELL: You know, I’ve misjudged you. Fancy joining the panel on The X Factor? We need a replacement for Cheryl.
ANGEL: And I completely agree with your opinion, Nick.
LAMACQ: You’ve been the best guest we’ve ever had.
CLEGG (blushing a lot): Shucks, thanks guys.
