Great French Open Champions

BJORN BORG

Overview
The ‘ice man’ (Bjorn Borg) won six French Open titles in five years – an unequalled haul of trophies. The organisers made him sit out the next year’s competition, to even out the statistics. Borg refused, but lost in the quarter-finals anyway.

Racket?
Borg famously used a wooden racket that was only available by mail order from California. If the strings broke during a match, everyone would have to wait ten days to allow for delivery of a replacement. This posed a problem to TV schedulers, who began showing reruns of classic tennis games to fill the time. Cliff Richard was regularly contacted to regale the crowd, but his delivery time was ten to twelve days nominal.

But would he beat Tim Henman?
Henman and Borg never met during their careers (which did not overlap), depriving us of what would have been an electrifying contest. Borg was the better player, but Henman, on his day, could beat anyone (his day, unfortunately, was February 29th).

IVAN LENDL

Overview
Lendl’s baseline power and high cheekbones brought him three French Open crowns during the 1980s. However, the famously hard-to-please French crowd did not take to Lendl, regarding him as an over-promoted volleyball player. Not without justification – Lendl would routinely hit the ball more than once when it was on his side of the net. Also, he did not use a racket.

Racket?
No racket.

But would he beat Tim Henman?
Yes. It would not be a close contest. The sheer weight and accuracy of Lendl’s groundstrokes would force Henman further and further back until he was pinned flat against the advertising board at the back of the court. Then Lendl would play a dinky dropshot, which a tired and slow Henman would have scant chance of reaching. This play would repeat in every point until Henman retired injured – to be interviewed by a sympathetic Sue Barker.

RAFAEL NADAL

Overview
Nadal is widely regarded as the greatest clay court exponent the game has ever seen (he also has the biggest muscles on tour, just beating the Williams sisters). Famously, Nadal has only ever lost once at the French Open, and that was to himself. In an effort to impress the intellectual French crowd (who love existentialist philosophy) he played a match against himself in the semi-finals of the 2009 tournament, losing 6-4 in the fifth.

Racket?
He sure makes a racket, with all that grunting! Joking aside, Nadal uses a normal modern kind of racket – a yellow one, usually.

But would he beat Tim Henman?
My granny could beat Tim Henman. Though she did have a great forehand and fine array of passing shots.

TIM HENMAN

Overview
Plucky ‘tiger’ Tim Henman never progressed beyond the first round of any tennis competition, not even pub tennis. However, he has come to be regarded as one of the greats in French Open history and is feted by the French crowds to this day, who regularly chant his name (‘Tim, Tim’ – only in French, obviously). This is one of the side-effects of ‘Henmania’, a disease millions in France sadly contracted by eating British beef in the 1990s.

Racket?
Henman only used the best, most expensive racket available. Needless to say, he still lost and then smashed the racket out of frustration (losing his deposit).

But would he beat Tim Henman?
No. Though he would beat Greg Rusedski.

• borg
• french open
• henman
• humor
• humour
• lendl
• nadal
• tennis