How to get more readers on your blog and hit pay dirt

So, you’ve started writing a blog. Anyone read it yet, my friend? From the look on your face, I didn’t think so. (For the record, anything between 1-15 views per day is not statistically significant, so if you fall into this particular bracket, don’t be too smug).

Want to know how to get more people to visit your blog? Maybe they might even read it? Of course you do! Like any newly-minted blogger, you’d like to make easy money from your scribblings, or at least use your nascent blogosphere celebrity as a launchpad for a gilded career at Channel 4. Here’s how to do this (below):

1. Write GOOD blog posts
Is your blog playing to empty halls night after night? There might be a reason. The blog posts you’re submitting every day are garbage, or at best very unsatisfactory. In fairness, this can be a very difficult issue to fix. If you ain’t got it, you ain’t got it. Next!

2. Blog often
Blogging is a full-time job, like being a parent, or working as a regional sales manager for a large soulless grocery company (Somerfield). It calls for drudgery, duty, and hard work. Blogging is not, and never can be, fun – whichever way you slice it.

However, don’t despair – you’ve started the ruddy blog now, and needs must. Remember, in order to succeed, it’s vital to blog frequently. In the time you’ve spent reading this sentence, 651 people have submitted a new blog post. See what you’re up against? You need to eat, sleep, and drink your blog (don’t necessarily take this literally – your laptop is plugged into the mains).

What’s in the news right now? What’s trending on Twitter? Been on any good holidays recently with the girls? Blog all about it! (Keep in mind that holidaying, or similar social outings are not advised since they shrink the amount of raw blogging time you have. If you must go out, make sure you have good, reliable wi-fi. Coffee shops, airports, prisons etc. are usually fine but always ring ahead.)

3. Social media is your friend
Woe betide the simpleton blogger who does not rely on Facebook, Twitter etc. as a shameless vehicle of self-promotion. Fire up the social networks and spread the word! Written a great blog post? You should be bloody proud of what you’ve achieved. Tweet it. Plaster it on your Facebook wall. Ping it to all your friends on MSN Messenger (remembering to add ‘with my compliments’).

Of course, there is a fine line between ‘letting people know,’ and spamming them without mercy. Remember this.

I mean, otherwise people might write bad-mannered comments on your blog, which can make your head go down a little bit.

So, just saying.

4. Comment on other people’s blogs, as well as your own one
The blogosphere is an exhilarating hothouse of political and economic argument. Of course, I concede there’s some frivolous content out there as well (cats, sex), but on balance it’s a very intellectual milieu. If you don’t believe me, check the comments left after any YouTube video. Witty, classy, insightful. A breath of fresh air.

So, leave comments! Start by leaving comments on other people’s blogs, to warm up. When you feel ready, start commenting on your own blog posts – even if you disagree with what has been said. Some of the greatest arguments take place with oneself.

If you leave a comment on someone else’s blog, they have to leave a comment on yours. This is the blogger’s warrior code. And if it’s a complimentary comment you leave, they owe you $5.50 – which must be paid into your PayPal account by COB the next day. This is probably the quickest way to make money from blogging.

That is, unless people leave complimentary comments on your blog. In which case, it is best to delete them promptly.

5. Add tags
You may have blogged something more pregnant with grace and meaning than anything written by Shakespeare. But if you haven’t tagged it accordingly, no one will read it.

Actually, Shakespeare tagged every play he wrote – this was the secret of his success. For instance, he tagged Romeo and Juliet as follows: romeo, juliet, verona, tragedy, old-fashioned, leonardo dicaprio, shakespearean, sex

Unsurprisingly, this became one of his most successful plays. Follow the same formula as the Bard and tag your posts accordingly.

6. Search engine optimisation
Not really sure what this is.

7. When in doubt, use an image
Even a blog post of the most unbending intellectualism needs some eye candy. Surfing (i.e. on the web) is a spectator sport! Interestingly, a recent study showed that a picture tells a thousand words. Use this formula to your advantage! Pad out your blog with pictures, and never short-change your readers again. A high-definition picture, it was also discovered, is worth ten thousand words – so invest in a proper SLR camera. This costs more, but the results are amazing – especially with Panasonic.

An image can also be a great stand-in if you lack the necessary wit, intelligence or insight on a certain topic. The mere inclusion of a picture of Stephen Fry, Richard Dawkins or Prof Brian Cox will make your article seem much, much better than it really is. This effect is increased if they are wearing spectacles, or raising one or both eyebrows.

Dennis Taylor has this effect in spades

Generally, try and stick to audience-appropriate material. If your blog is about fishing, chances are that audiences will want to view images of fish, or maybe a rod/tackle. This brings me onto my next point. Try and avoid including out-and-out pornographic filth. While extremely popular with all focus groups, this can potentially lead to an obscenity trial which will certainly torch your career prospects with Channel 4. You will, instead, be offered a position with Channel 5.

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