What they said in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal
Murdoch's official spokesman (since sacked)
Rebekah Brooks:
“This is just another one of those bastard media feeding frenzies that get blown out of all proportion – I should know, because I’ve started most of them. Look, they’ve always been out to get me – the leftie-weftie bleeding-heart-liberal establishment. You know who I mean. I’m taking about the BBC, the Guardian, Billy Bragg, and my former husband Ross Kemp. Always the same four. I think they’re threatened by the presence of an upwardly-mobile, ambitious and successful career woman like me. Either that or it’s because I do the bidding of a ruthless, expansionist media tycoon who’s been terrifying prime ministers into eating out of his wrinkly hand for decades. Or maybe it was the news about us hacking into mobile phones of the murdered and the grieving, but I think that’s a side-issue.
“If they think my head’s gonna roll, they’ve got another fucking thing coming. I’ll sack every last one of those beneath me before I resign – wait, I’ve already done that. OK, I’ll sack everyone above me who isn’t called Mr. Murdoch. You’re all fired! This is turning into The Apprentice. I would be bloody good on that show. Rupert watches it actually. He wanted to have the ‘Alan Sugar’ role but declined owing to a scheduling conflict. Also, the BBC didn’t ask him. That’s among the reasons why he wants to completely terminate their broadcasting existence and crush Hugh Edwards underfoot. He doesn’t like Cash in the Attic, either. Or the fact they dropped Neighbours.”
Andy Coulson:
“I can officially confirm I’ve been arrested and am feeling a bit hacked off! Excuse the pun – once a tabloid hack, always a tabloid hack. Whoops, there’s another pun for you there! Who said we didn’t have a sense of fun at the News of the World? We were always laughing at people, then hacking their phones and exposing the most intimate details of their lives. If that’s not comedy, I don’t know what is. For the record, I’ve always found Michael McIntyre really funny. His voicemail messages are a laugh, too.
“You see, I’m laughing now – I’m usually laughing, actually – but Holy Mother of God am I depressed right now. No joke. I’m used to feeling pretty happy all the time, or if not happy then at least continually smug. I’m starting to fear I’ll never feel continually smug again. I’m not looking for sympathy, but I’d happily take it without authorisation.
“I’m also getting weary of working for sinister, nasty organisations like News Corp, the Tories, or Enron (I did two weeks’ instructive work experience there). It’s brought me nothing but trouble and six-figure salaries, structured bonus plans, sleek company cars and my own personal bladed-up henchman.
“I’m actually one of the good guys! When I’m released from prison, I want to work with the disadvantaged. I’ve already sent my CV to Lib Dem head office.”
James Murdoch:
“I know how to deal with this crisis. I’m on top of everything. I wear a suit. There’s no need for my bloody father to be here. I learned everything I know at his knee – so I’m basically the same as him, only younger and better at most sports except golf and Aussie rules football. I wear strange glasses, have a sort of mid-Atlantic accent that’s hard to place, and went to Harvard where I aced every semester and got an upper second. I am also socially popular to boot, unlike Bill Zuckerburg. I’m here on my own merit and the fact I’m Rupert Murdoch’s son is basically neither here nor there, but all the same I’m not 100% sure what to do right now and Dad’s coming over to sort of help out a bit. Again.”
David Cameron:
“Look, we’re all in this together. Let’s be clear – I wanted to start an enquiry ages ago, but then a couple of men in fawn raincoats appeared at my door. It was Murdoch trying to intimidate me. It worked – I didn’t bring in the milk that day, and had to order in from Waitrose. See what I’m up against?”
No one else was available for comment
Except:
Paul McMullan:
“Can’t they find anyone else to wheel out? I’ve been wearing the same beige suit for a week and I need some sleep, not to mention a fucking shave. Last time I appeared on TV, Steve Coogan called me morally bankrupt, Will Self said I was ‘rat-like’ and even Emily Maitlis thought I was a ‘tortured soul.’ I’m giving the showbiz life a break for a while.
