The weather: a complaint
Dear Sirs,
I wish to lodge a complaint about the weather. Oxfordshire, where I reside, has been ‘bathed’ in sunshine and temperatures have cleared 22 degrees in the shade. Am I to presume that the dire warnings contained in my earlier letters have fallen on deaf ears? I refuse to sport a baseball cap. The bare idea is repugnant to me.
This heatwave has been profoundly unwelcome, and has already brought about a most regrettable decline in standards within the local area. My fellow residents have plainly taken leave of their senses (by that I euphemistically mean their clothing). Just this noontime I spied a young, slim blonde woman promenading in town dressed as though for the beach. Need I remind you that there are no beaches in Oxfordshire whatsoever, and we have the fewest paddling pools, per capita, in her Majesty’s Commonwealth. To say my eyes bugged out when I saw this nubile, near-nude lady emerging from John Lewis would be understating it. As a higher-rate taxpayer, I expect more.
Has this great nation succumbed to the lowly creed ‘sun’s out, get your guns out’? To clarify, I overheard this curious phrase fall from the lips of a frightful young man, proudly holding forth to his (presumably) disgusted lady-friend earlier today. I won’t pretend to know what this expression denotes exactly, but as soon as I heard it I knew which way the wind was blowing. I buttoned my felt blazer plumb up to the neck and marched towards the nearest railway station. I made my point, and I made it with dignity – notwithstanding the sweat running heavily down the wrinkles on my contorted face. I was in vile humour when I arrived home and nearly didn’t feed my cat. This weather is nothing less than a public menace!
I do not ask for the abolition of summer. I simply request that this ‘scorchin’ weather’ – and the decadence it brings with it – is hived off and perhaps outsourced to Scotland, where less damage can be done. I am hardly asking for the moon (although that would be undoubtedly preferable to the sun!). I enclose a petition, signed, admittedly, by a small number of people, but it is quality, not quantity that you should look for. All of us have paid off our mortgages, and Mrs Wythshaw has been on Gardener’s Question Time. Crème de le crème.
We can only hope that a new, milder weather front will show its hand. Do not doubt that I will watch the forecast with an iron concentration tonight. If I hear young Laura Tobin (my personal favourite weather presenter – quite, quite alluring) declare ‘we are in for sunny intervals and a light breeze,’ then you will hear from me again.
Warmest (or should I say ‘coldest’) regards,
Andy Parsons
'I also want all sand castles flattened' - Parsons
