446 B.C. – An old man anoints his chest with goat’s milk in the middle of the Parthenon and declares the end of the world is coming a week Monday. The threat is ignored, however, until a neighbouring woman in her early twenties does the same thing. A big audience gathers before the woman, topless, who describes how gale force winds will flatten Athens and a large bearded man (Zeus) will sit on Sparta. The crowd despairs – not least because the Parthenon is a new-build property with an appreciating market value. In the event, the world doesn’t end and the woman carves out a successful career as a glamour model. Sales of goat’s milk also improve. However, the old man anointing his chest turns out to be the goddess Athena in plain clothing and everyone is arrested.
1536 – Henry VIII tells his subjects that the world will end unless someone fetches him a plate of boar and roast tongue, followed by tarts and custard. (The boar needs to be free range.) After five minutes the king is still waiting and Anne Boleyn is beheaded. Soon the entire population of England is searching for a wild boar, on pain of global annihilation. A boar is found in Sherwood Forest, but it is not organic. In the end they have to order one in from France. The king is appeased, and later denies having threatened global extinction: ‘I never said that, and if some of the peasants interpreted it that way, well…that’s on them. Sorry about Anne, by the way.’ He blames his behaviour on a hefty night on the sauce. The king is posthumously diagnosed with an untreatable psychopathic condition. His obesity is also the subject of a BBC3 documentary in 2007: My Man Boobs and Me.
1962 – A millenarian cult claims to have deciphered a coded message in President Kennedy’s inaugural address, telling of the earth’s destruction by swarms of bees. They say the message is loud and clear if you ‘read between the lines, listen to his coughs, and disregard most of the speech, which essentially contradicts this interpretation.’ Some political commentators agree, understanding the importance of burying bad news – particularly for a first-term president conscious of the damage armageddon would do to his poll ratings. Kennedy appears on the radio to scotch the rumours, saying ‘the world will not end on my watch, come hell or high water’. Political aides privately curse his choice of words, and fears of global annihilation escalate until the start of the Cuban Missile Crisis calms everyone down again.
2011 – A rumour quickly spreads on Twitter that the universe is facing imminent extinction. This rumour has spread before, but gains traction this time around after it is retweeted by Stephen Fry and later confirmed by Ashton Kutcher. The story is lazily picked up by journalists who don’t bother to verify it and before long David Cameron is forced to call a press conference. He confirms that we are in for a ‘rough ride’ and that there will be a big squeeze on living standards. It is not clear, however, whether he is talking about armageddon or just the faltering economy. Ed Balls says there is no difference. Nick Clegg issues a statement confirming the end of the world, although no one believes him. The nation prays that the universe will stay intact until the Royal Wedding.
