My Running Diary

DAY ONE
Have resolved to get in shape. My fitness is off. I have a resting heart-rate of 167 and a body mass index that’s attracted the attention of BBC Three documentary-makers (they want to put me in My Man Boobs and Me). I’m sure my good lady wife is still attracted to me, but we haven’t had sex since a quickie in 1994 – one that left me out of breath. Things need to change. Have started a diary, to document my quest to ascend to athletic godhood.

DAY TWO
Warmed up to go running. Stretched the legs and readied a motivational playlist of critically-acclaimed music from the ‘80s and ‘00s. My first run was encouraging! I paced myself against an old woman across the road who was walking a fat little sausage dog – a race I comfortably won, though only when the dog stopped to urinate against a tree. I’m a very competitive person. The win boosted my confidence, and I faced off against a passing Volkswagen Golf. I went ahead by a neck when the Golf got stuck in traffic, but it caught up and it was nip and tuck for a long while. Suddenly I realised that my good lady wife was inside and had been shouting at me all the way up the high street. She wondered if I wanted a lift. I hitched a ride home in style.

DAY THREE
Was jogging past a group of students when I was suddenly distracted by a woman’s décolletage. It really was a marvellous décolletage, and it made me wobble off the pavement into a garden – where I was felled by a gorse bush. Who has gorse bushes in Croydon? I was knocked out (both by the impact, and the pleasant surprise of seeing a gorse bush out of season in south London). When I came to, the décolletage was looming over me. ‘Are you okay?’ came a voice. I don’t remember all of what happened after that, but I don’t think I’m welcome in that postcode again.

DAY FOUR
Fed up of the ‘brand bullying’ I get for my Cica trainers. What’s wrong with Cica? Quite a lot, judging from the snotty looks they attract when I’m running through the leafier estates. Yes, their stock has fallen somewhat over the last fifteen years or so, but Cica still manufacture a fantastic pair of running shoes (although they specialise in shoes for children). My wife says I owe a duty of care to my knees and should invest in proper trainers. She even claimed that Cica wasn’t a brand but a division of Clark’s UK PLC. She also used the word ‘schlock.’ I lost my temper and said some things I shouldn’t. She was unbowed and then threw the trainers at me. That’s it. After a brief conference we agreed to part company for good.

DAY FIVE
A heavy ground frost this morning but it had gone by lunchtime so I began my jog at 2.34pm (have resolved to make these entries more detailed). Today’s run was very arduous and long. I was truly exhausted when I got home, but was surprised to see that the clock read only 2.43pm – a jog of eight minutes, if you subtract the minute when I stopped whilst suffering a bad stitch (that was the first minute). I was sure that I had run for longer than that – hours, maybe even days. I joked to my good lady wife that I must have crossed the international date line. She met my witticism with a look of concentrated disgust. She was angry I was still here – had I forgotten our argument yesterday? In truth I had. I consulted this diary which indeed confirmed her side of the story. Have resolved to stop this diary.

DAY SIX
This is my last entry. I have terminated my jogging – the BBC have upped my appearance fee offer for My Man Boobs and Me and a contract has been agreed. The programme goes out the day of the London Marathon.

DAY SEVEN
… And on the seventh day he rested (had to shoehorn that in there – I do admire the Bible).

Mindlessness meditation: how to achieve that state of blissful calm

1) Take a seat. Pick a comfortable seat, preferably one with memory foam and good lumbar support. A good chair is vital – remember, it is impossible to achieve complete relaxation on a chair that retails for less than £150 in IKEA.

2) Have a cup of tea to hand. The tea must be caffeine-free, otherwise your stress levels will grow. This can be disastrous when combined with a bad chair (see point 1).

3) Try and block out the irritating background noises which you don’t normally notice (next door’s television, the fridge, the boiler, a train, your own tinnitus, a coughing/showering family member/pet). This takes an effort, but is vital if you want to prevent complete mental breakdown.

4) Take a sip of tea, being careful not to scald your lips (if you do, go back to point 1).

5) Listen to your breathing. If you can’t hear it, try this again after walking up a flight of stairs.

6) Visualise rural images: poplar trees, hyacinths, fawns, garden lilies, fields, a charming piggery, Centreparcs.

7) Then visualise happy images: finding a wallet full of high-denomination banknotes, a repayment holiday from your crippling mortgage, a new set of UPVC French doors.

8 ) Try and block out all negative thoughts otherwise gnawing at your vitals. Don’t, for instance, think of work, your dismal credit rating, unfaithful spouse, work, Adrian Chiles, Christine Bleakley, or work.

9) Meditate for a while. If you don’t know how to do this, buy a book on it. There are plenty out there so there are no excuses.

10) Try not to fall asleep. If you do, disregard what I said about using a comfortable chair because this has backfired in your case. Ditto the caffeine-free tea.

11) Relax. Enjoy the moment. Finish your tea if you haven’t done so already. Wash up your mug, or delegate this task to a loved one. If an argument ensues, repeat points 1-10.

Debate – Gyms: For and against

On the eve of the 43rd anniversary of Shropshire’s first functional cross-training machine, self-proclaimed ‘gym bunny’ Jack Fuikj debates his hobby with avowed gym-hater Lisa Thorpe

Jack Fuikj – I went to my first gym aged six. I loved rowing, but strongly feared water. My Dad told me I should try a ‘gym’. The next day I did. They turned me away, however, because I was too young. I was distraught. But the day after I bought some dumbbells – I’d seen people in the gym using them, you see. I couldn’t lift them until I was fifteen, but six months later was I boasting the biggest left bicep in my class. I soon joined my school gym, and was later appointed ‘gym captain.’

Lisa Thorpe – Well, I’ve only been to the gym once in my life. I hated it. To make matters worse, I signed up to a twelve-month contract and couldn’t cancel. I had only used the bench press and I wiped it after.

JF – You probably should have used the bench press again that year – to get better value on your initial cash outlay. Or you could have tried not signing up to that gym at all. That would have been decent value, too.

LT – What I most hated about the gym was all the people exercising. They were exercising in that annoying way, you know? I couldn’t bear it.

JF – Actually, I love that way of exercising, if I know the way you mean. With shorts on, right?

LT – I’m also a keen runner and that gives me all I need. Running is the perfect way of escaping the ‘treadmill feeling’ life can give you at times, particularly from work, family etc.

JF – There is no ‘treadmill feeling’ in a gym. Anyway, if you don’t like the treadmill, use the rowing machine, yoga ball etc.

LT – And the music they played! It was thump-thump-thump. Must have been Chicago house, dubstep, early-naughties trance. Quite a good set, actually, but it was like being in a nightclub, only even sweatier.

JF – I like nightclubs. Sometimes I go straight from the gym to a nightclub without showering, though I take care to dance solo if so.

LT – No, no, no. When jogging I can only listen to BBC 5 Live. I can’t stand music – the rhythmical beat puts me off my stride. I get cramp if I can hear anything musical, even Mumford & Sons.

JF – Well, I did try jogging outdoors once, but it wasn’t for me. I got dizzy – I’m not used to moving anywhere when I jog. It seems a waste of time to me. Because you have to get back to where you started anyway, you see. In my opinion, a treadmill should be pressed into the hands of every aspiring athlete.

LT – It would squash them.

JF – You know, you have a good sense of humour – that’s funny. No one in the gym really laughs very much.

LT – Really? Thanks. Good job I don’t go the gym then – you don’t want to be making people laugh in there, while lifting heavy weights.

JF – You’ve made me laugh again.